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Joke of the Day

"Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn't feel lonely. I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups."

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"How do you say goodbye to an epileptic? Seizure later"
"Husband says to his wife ""you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!"" She says ""what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."""
"Why can't gay people drive while they're aroused? Because they can't think straight."
"Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*"
"911: What's your emergency, sir? Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being- 911: Please don't do this, sir M: AbDUCKted! 911: *hangs up*"
"I've set my phone to airplane mode to add more realism to the nausea and turbulence I experience at work."
"These dishwashers are getting too expensive my new one even demands a diamond ring"
"What did the proctologist say when his nurse handed him a beer? ""I meant a butt light."""
"What's an asexual person's favorite thing to do in the bedroom? Fuckin' nothin'."
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