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Joke of the Day

"My cat just sneezed directly into my eyeballs so I'll probably be dead soon. Goodbye, guys. No, you can't have my stuff."

"LPT: Always bring a deck of cards with you when you go hiking Joke: If you get lost, play some Solitaire. Soon enough someone will be around to tell you how to play your own damn cards!"

"Once you've seen one shopping centre... ...you've seen a mall"

"What's your best one-liner?"

"We woke up to a noise. I grabbed a bat. He grabs a can of body spray. ""Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?"""

"Gay dudes are fucking assholes! Straight dudes are fucking vaginas."

"[first date] ""You're not into anything weird right?"" -not at all *gestures to my ferret army to fall back*"

"Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill's real name was Randy."

"This sub has taken a dive recently I guess I should put my phone in rice to try and dry it out."

"What's the difference between garbanzo beans an chickpeas? I don't have to play $50 for a garbanzo bean in my face."