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Joke of the Day

"I entered a contest to see how fast I could eat a clock. I didn't win. The whole ordeal was very time consuming."

"[Checking in at Comic Con] Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay? Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked ""Casual""*"

"What do you call a snail in the sea? A snailor."

"What's the difference between jokes and dicks? My girlfriend doesn't laugh at my jokes. *edited for spelling: ""Mr"" instead of ""my""*"

"If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, ""I've got tickets to..."" and hang up"

"*Eating mini Reese's cups* 5&7: Mommy what are you eating? M: Dog poop."

"Two muffins in an oven. One looks at the other and says ""it's hot in here"". The other looks back and says "" holy shit a talkin muffin."""

"Has anyone tried giving bees heroin? I feel like bees on heroin would produce better honey. It's probably not true, but it's just how I feel"

"What's the difference between an elevator and a black guy? The elevator can raise a child."

"Ten: Number of fingers children have. Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them."