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Joke of the Day

"I'm not sure Hillary should be in Office... The last Clinton left a bad taste in people's mouths."

"Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man."

"I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you."

"wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?"

"Nietzsche: God is dead God: Nietzsche is dead [they both turn to camera] THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES"

"What happens to a Canadian's car when it breaks down? The owner calls Triple Eh."

"Take it easy on the anti-semetic jokes. Take it easy on the jew jokes please. My grandfather died in a concentration camp during WW2. Apparently he fell off a guard tower during shift change."

"[holds up bread] ""This is my body"" [holds up wine] ""this is my blood"" [holds up puppy] ""and this is my new pet"" [apostles go fricken nuts]"

"it's not abuse if the substance likes it."

"Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong."