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Joke of the Day

"I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. ... .... It's true! I saw it with my own eyes."

"I've been so drunk that homeless people give me their footlong sub. When they give it to me they whisper, ""Get your shit together, rookie."""

"What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? Every once in a while a Canoe would tip."

"Auto correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo."

"""Oh, this one? It's an excuse to tell a story about my life that only I think is interesting"" - literally all tattoos"

"What do you call an 83 year old black man? Dick Gregory"

"How do you make Holy Water? You boil the Hell out of it."

"People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings. Right? I didn't do this for nothing, right?"

"My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games (alternate) But my preferred style in bed is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start."

"Saw some snails fighting in my driveway... They were really slugging it out."