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Joke of the Day

"Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it's where all of the other vital organs reside too."

"A lady cut me off... The other day a lady cut me off who was texting while driving. I got so mad at her I pulled up beside her and threw my beer can at her."

"Why is that cotton candy talking? Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj."

"Why Can't You Play UNO With Mexicans? They keep stealing the goddamn green cards."

"I'm out of coffee until tomorrow, but I just saw three squirrels doing it together so I guess my Monday's balancing out pretty well."

"I went to a Nautica outlet store They had sails on everything"

"What did one tomato say to the other? Catch up."

"""What did you do today, mommy?"" ""I invented names, like 'Grand Theft Anal' and 'Mortal Cumbath"" on Twitter, and you?"""

"What would a midget be jealous of at a little kid? The kid is over 5 feet tall."

"Have you been to Iran? I don't think you should go, I don't think they like joggers."