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Joke of the Day

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

"If you replace phrase ""Americans think"" with ""Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think"" it all makes so much more sense."

"Why don't you remove those barriers to imports? It will ease my inflation and the benefits will trickle down."

"Why are baby cows considered lunch meat? Because calves are below-knee"

"There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops."

"what do you call a deer without eyes? no eyedeer.."

"I don't come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet."

"Q: Why do you look out the window in the morning? A: Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway."

"Mom and Dad said I was bad for putting a cell phone in my vagina but I don't know why. I always come when I'm called."

"What do you call a Jewish, German clergyman? Jew das Priest."