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Joke of the Day

"All this time I wondered why birds were out to get me. Turns out I just had a chip on my shoulder. #blood"

"Netflix is all, ""Do you want to watch a bunch of crappy documentaries? No?? Well how about if we charged you $9 a month to watch them??"""

"What do you call a sleepwalking nun? a Roman Catholic."

"The Marines are a department of the Navy... The Men's Department"

"So funny how ""go to sleep"" and ""do parkour"" sound exactly the same to kids."

"When I was born I was so mad at my parents I didn't talk to them for 2 years"

"If I ever lose a hand I'll replace it with a single nunchuck on a chain"

"what's pink and hard?... Micheal Jackson...still."

"I love my wife My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today. ""Really!"" I exclaimed. ""No,"" She said, ""April Foogargagggrraggggle."" That'll teach her to try and be funny..."

"""Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?"" ""It will definitely feel longer. """