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Joke of the Day

"""You're never alone."": A phrase that's maybe cute to find in a love note, but horrifying to find smeared on a fogged up bathroom mirror."

"How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes."

"In a world full of lefts Nothing would be right."

"Husband Bear: Honey! I'm home! Wife Bear: For God's sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?"

"My neighbors are listening to great music... ...Whether they like it or not!"

"I can't stand fake people. Unless you're with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop. Then you need to be Oscar winning fake."

"Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head."

"What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic!"

"My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes."

"Damn girl are you an alarm clock? Because no matter how many times I hit you you won't shut the fuck up"