1924

Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes."

"What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts? Molasses"

"I got mad at my uncle for telling me the results of the Cubs game because he is an hour ahead of me in New York. And he doesn't have a DVR."

"You're the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job."

"What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea!"

"Thank you, social media, for sometimes filling the emptiness you've created in our lives."

"I've been sober as far back as I can remember. Which is roughly 11 hours."

"Doctors have discovered that breast cancer may cause amnesia. After all, mastectomy would result in mammary loss."

"I can always count on the local cemetery for free Mother's Day flowers."

"Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who's boss."