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Joke of the Day

"Me: I'm so tired I need to sleep. Ambien: Here I'll help... Hey don't forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you're snow! Me: K"

"We often criticize pedophiles... but they, at least, drive slowly near schools."

"Why do gorillas have such big fingers? Because they have such big nostrils."

"Patient: Doctor you have to help me stop talking to myself. Doctor: Why is that? Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want."

"There are three things I hate... * reposts * bullet lists * irony"

"The letter Q is an O smoking a cig and is therefore extremely cool"

"What food can tell you if a girl is pregnant? Chickpea"

"My girlfriend and I had a threeso last night... It's like a threesome but it didn't include me."

"How many times does 1 go into 0? As Many Times As It Wants!"

"I'll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese ""So you want a cheeseburger?"" Yes but when you bring it to me say here's your salad"