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Joke of the Day

"Why did the vegetable thief get a lighter sentence? Because he admitted the crime was *parsley* his fault."

"TIL that there is an animal with an asshole on its back A Police Horse"

"What's blue and sings alone? - Dan Ackroyd."

"When I was younger, I used to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body Then I was born. (Source: sickipedia)"

"Just bought a book ""Jokes about Captain Obvious"". It's full of Captain Obvious jokes."

"Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon? Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army"

"Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that"

"The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer."

"how i look like Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?"

"I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free."