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Joke of the Day

"[unleashes dog at dog park] me: don't embarrass me now dog: i won't *sees pretty girl* me: hi, i'm dog: he drinks wine through a straw"

"""The tension between Uranus... and Pluto hat has been there since June of 2012 will finally ease up"", Astrologist say."

"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do. Therefore, I am your mother."

"Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business"

"Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces"

"I need an emoticon that's stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls."

"""The club can't even handle me right now."" What, like structurally? Should we call an engineer? Evacuate? Please advise."

"Where did the Candian pirate live? Ont**ARR**io"

"The name is Berry Dickenson (shitty oc)... ...As in I wish to bury my dick in your son."