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Joke of the Day

"[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]"

"Two budgies sitting on a perch One says to the other: can you smell fish?"

"I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery."

"At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, ""Sorry. This relationship isn't working out. You should start seeing other moms."""

"I went to the store the other day, and accidentally bought some anti-aging lotion. At first I was upset, but my right hand and my dick have never looked younger. Written by: Joey McDevitt"

"I dreamed that midgets were trying to assassinate me, so I bought a bulletproof car. Since they were midgets, I bought a convertible."

"I can't figure out why my son hates me. Tim hates you? No, my other son. I can't remember his name. I just call him ""not Tim"""

"Did you hear the one about the crossed eyed teacher? She couldn't keep her Pupils straight"

"Do you know why the nobles always mistreated their peasants? Because they're all a bunch of vassals."

"What do you call a a a a aoohhh? Yo mama last night bro."