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Joke of the Day

"[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]"

"Why is a physicist's dream vacation in Alaska? Because of all the cold fission it has."

"I can't imagine the enormous pressure on fat black women to be sassy all the time."

"You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners'"

"Michelle Obama was not the first person to think of the ""Turnip for what"" She was the First Lady"

"Just went to a dance for mentally handicapped people It was basically one big slow dance."

"What's the difference between a garbanzo pea and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo pea on my face."

"the guy who named eggplants, pineapples, and Guinea pigs is all the same guy"

"*Runs into bank with gun* Alright! Everyone put your hands up! *Tickles everyone*"

"Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter's room]: Yo, turns out grandma's heart is weak af."