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Joke of the Day

"I dreamed that midgets were trying to assassinate me, so I bought a bulletproof car. Since they were midgets, I bought a convertible."

"Listen, when I say a movie was ""cute"" I do not mean it was GOOD. A girl saying a movie was cute is just code for ""My ovaries liked it."""

"I don't do Botox anymore cause when I can't make my angry face, people just assume it's ok to talk to me."

"""The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead"" - Bedtime at George R.R. Martin's house"

"I'm trying to remember what that soup is called, the kind with chicken and rice.... Oh yeah! Chinken Noodle!"

"Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without them."

"What's black, covered in teeth marks and no longer in use? Philip Seymour Hoffman's belt."

"*flips cap backwards* son, let's keep it real *puts on another cap* the realest *puts on suit made of backwards caps* REALality. word."

"""hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?"" ""hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot"" *cops bust down door*"

"The best racist joke What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!"