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Joke of the Day

"Considering we've produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I'm more surprised other countries haven't built a wall around the U.S."

"Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me."

"Breadmakers Always looking to prove something."

"I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight""I got extra."

"you know what really turns on a nerd? unprotected wifi"

"The most massive object of our entire supercluster Hey, you're like the Great Attractor Thanks man No I mean like you're the heaviest thing in the known universe"

"Your eyes are like stars. Not because they are bright and beautiful. But because they are so far apart."

"Why did the monkey trip over the branch? Because the Chimp-Can't -See"

"Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store."

"I had sex with somebody and caught their cold. I have snyphilis."