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Joke of the Day

"To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing"

"I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she's been giving me lately."

"How do you find the vegan on tumblr they find you"

"Broom advocates for cleaner work environment."

"With Michael Phelps, Sarah Palin, and Glenn Beck here in Charlotte this week, my status as smartest guy in the room just rose exponentially."

"What kind of a fish do you always find on a beach? A dead one... "

"You know that schizophrenic hobo that has nonsensical conversations with himself? That's Twitter in real life."

"Two antennae had a wedding... It was alright, but the reception was amazing."

"What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?"

"I hope all goes well with Princess Kate's baby delivery.., ...but I think it might turn out to be a royal pain in the ass."