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Joke of the Day

"Why are US flags different in San Francisco? They have gay bars."

"Why should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen? To protect himself from the harmful rays."

"The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I'd pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, ""Keep the change you filthy animal."""

"Do you know what Taylor Swift's belly button looks like? A Blank Space"

"I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive."

"PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole."

"I live life by 3 rules: 1- Get ripped. 2- Stay ripped. 3- Live in denial so that life is bearable."

"I'm not one of those moms who knows all her kids by name."

"If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title."

"What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!"