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Joke of the Day

"I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it."

"I'm Scottish and my son is marrying a Jewish girl. I'm afraid their kids will leave me penniless."

"Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler's hand and scream ""NOT TODAY SATAN!"""

"So the UK Government can now read my internet history... So I guess the only way I'm ever seeing tentacle porn again is if I take a shitload of LSD and watch Spongebob. Cruel world."

"How do you stop a 200 pound hamster from charging? Take away it's credit cards."

"I own a store that sells crafts painted with blood It's called the Artery"

"WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym. ME: [playing Pokemon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?"

"A friend of mine is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. an he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung."

"A cream-filled doughnut and an eclair... ...decided to get a divorce. It's a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They're in for a long, grueling custardy battle."