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Joke of the Day

"*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler"

"Wife: Where'd you buy my gift? Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right? Me: Coupon? *wife faints*"

"My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress...."

"[job interview] ""What's your greatest weakness?"" I'm always hungry ""That's not what I-"" *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share"

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket full of shit? The bucket."

"What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat."

"The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders. I'm so sorry"

"Why was I named after Adolf Hitler... Well, I certainly wasn't named before him!"

"Why did the noodle hide from the other noodles? Because he was Alfredo pasta!"

"What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?"