128043

Joke of the Day

"[son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's this Son: it's our house Me: have you ever actually looked at our house"

"You know what really grinds my gears? Friction"

"I may be nodding and smiling, but I'm secretly diagnosing you."

"You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish."

"Q: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? A: ""Oh it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"""

"Why are paraplegics bad project teammates? They never carry their own weight."

"Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you're doing it?"

"What do you say to a black guy after washing his dog? Yo dawg I washed yo dog."

"[breaking up yet another fight] Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters? 6-year-old: Because I always win."

"An IPv4 address walks into a restaurant... He says ""Quick, give me a drink. I'm exhausted"""