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Joke of the Day

"I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your ""scary"" battle at Normandy, grandpa."

"She: 5 mins babe He: Ok *discovers a new planet* *travels to it* *discovers life* *returns back* He: Ready? She: 5 mins babe"

"Why did Microsoft skip windows 9 and annouce windows 10? Because windows 7 8 9"

"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run!"

"I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name... I, Ceasar, when I heard of the name Of Cleopatra, I straightaway laid claim. Ahead of my legions, she conquered my regions, I saw, I conquered, I came."

"Canadian summer I asked my Canadian buddy ""Did you have a good summer?"" He said ""No! I was working that day."""

"I don't want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge."

"My friend who worked at a movie theater died yesterday. Funeral services are being held at 3:20, 5:15, 7:50 and 9:10."

"What would you do with $1 Million? I would buy a new butt, mine has a hole in it."

"I think the easiest way to get a woman to sleep with you is to have her in bed with you when she's very tired."