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Joke of the Day

"What would happen if you ate yeast and polish? You would rise and shine."

"My butt was set on fire while I was out with my girlfriend It was really ember-ass-ing."

"I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me."

"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair Virgin Mobil"

"To commemorate the disaster in Mecca where a crane fell and crushed pilgrims, Saudi Arabia will build a restaurant at the site. An IHOP: International House of Pancakes."

"What did the little boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened them yet."

"Experiment: text your parents ""got 2 grams for $40"" then right after ""Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you"" Then tweet pic of their response."

"""I like cooking my family and my pets."" Use commas. Don't be a psycho."

"Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics Interviewer: Could you give me an example? Me: Yes I could"

"My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: ""You man the guns, I'll drive"""