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Joke of the Day

"My daughter told me this one today and it had me in stitches. Two goldfish are in a tank... One turns to the other and says: ""You man the guns, I'll drive"""

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead."

"When I die I want my hand to be glued in a thumbs up, and my body lowered into molten steel."

"What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? I've never paid money to have a lentil on my face!"

"[Couples Therapy] HER: He keeps pretending he's a doctor. This relationship is dead HIM: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:26 ME: OMG SEE!"

"Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity... No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes."

"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender"

"My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I. M. Nutty"

"What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?"

"My wife does a HILARIOUS John Goodman impression. Doesn't hurt that she looks exactly like him."