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Joke of the Day

"Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs."

"Orange: Knock knock Apple: Who's there? O: Orange A: Orange who? O: Orange you glad I didn't say Banana? A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!"

"Shout out to my arms They're always by my side"

"What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame."

"Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I'm unaware of?"

"Interviewer: ""What's your greatest weakness?"" Candidate: ""Honesty."" Interviewer: ""I don't think honesty is a weakness."" Candidate: ""I don't give a fuck what you think."""

"A teacher tells the class whoever answers her next question can go home. A boy throws his bag out the window Teacher: ""Who just threw that?!"" Boy: ""Me. I'm going home now."""

"How do you stop an angry rhino from charging? You take away its credit card"

"""She's got legs. She knows how to use them."" ""So she's ambulatory then?"" ""... I guess?"" ""And is that really all you're looking for?"""

"Why didn't the little girl finish her lollipop? She was hit by a bus"