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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches and a peeping Tom watches snatches"

"This joke ends in a non-sequitur... ... I know, I couldn't follow it either."

"I heard about a new drug that is super addictive and leaves one in a state of sustained indifference. Parents, talk to your children about Crystal Meh."

"9: ""Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?"" Me: ""No, I got it as a gift."" 9: ""Well, can I have it when you die, then?"""

"Feline-loving fashionista's favorite music? Techno. *boots-n-cats-n-boots-n-cats-n-boots-n-cats*"

"When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel'"

"There was a masturbating contest ... ... I didn't win though, I came in second place."

"I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate."

"What's Natalie Portman's favorite element? Thorium."

"Why should we make Gabe Newell president? There won't be any World War 3. \#gaben2k16"