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Joke of the Day

"How do cows measure time? In mooments"

"Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv.. ...and I thought ""is that one mine""? Then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment."

"Her: you take nice selfies Me: so I'm vain Her: no you're photogenic Me: oh so I'm ugly in real life Her: just say thanks Me: oh so I'm rude"

"There were 2 goldfish in a tank One said to the other, ""you man the guns, I drive."""

"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs inside a volcano? Anakin Skywalker. (Happy Geek Pride Day!)"

"Self-promoting on the walls of a public bathroom is weird but always having the Sharpie on hand is weirder. Anyway for a good time call me."

"Girls hope you celebrated Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward"

"Dear lord thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat, ramen"

"If a genie granted me 3 wishes I'd ask for unlimited wishes, then I'd probably take a nap"

"*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight* Wife: Can you imagine being that strong? Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes."