126421

Joke of the Day

"-gestures to everything in the Garage- Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!! Wife- YOU'RE a tool Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM Wait..what?"

"They say if you love something you should let it go... So why am I going to jail for leaving my kid in Walmart?"

"What did the hippy who has been crashing on your couch for the last 2 weeks say when you asked him to leave?! Am I supposed to say the answer or let y'all guess for a bit?!"

"Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat... sooner or later you'll get pissed off."

"A kid with A.D.D. walks in late for class... Look a squirrel!"

"Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen. In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill."

"What do you say to a crazy person who's talking to themselves? Hey, the person you're talking to said to give me a few bucks."

"What do you get when you cross Ebola and Tourette Syndrome?"

"What's the best part about dating a terminally ill cancer patient? They are their own birth control"

"I lost fifty pounds... Unfortunately, I was in England at the time."