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Joke of the Day

"Whenever I hear the phrase ""Power of Attorney"" I always imagine someone being bitten by a radioactive lawyer."

"Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard."

"""sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?"" ""officer, I'm..."" *turns to camera* ""double jointed"" *cop starts breakdancing*"

"I had a heated argument with my wife last night... Apparently leaving the water heater on got me in hot water."

"I'm more afraid of the shitty music my family is going to play at my funeral than I am of dying."

"[furious with son] wife: what happened? me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish [son from room] yolo isn't spanish me: ya see"

"TIL Doctors can screen for STDs by placing a feather along the skin between the penis and the butthole. Doctors don't use this screening method, however, because the test tickles."

"As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect."

"What did the ocean said to the river when they parted ways ? Nothing, he was just full of tears"

"How do Egyptians warn each other about a spreading fire? Pyroglyphs."