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Joke of the Day

"If your girlfriend says she's going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall... You might be dating my wife."

"My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?"

"What political party entices most Gorillas? The Treepublican Party!"

"I'm addicted to brake fluid. But I can stop any time."

"English is weird... but it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Yeah you red it rite."

"How do you blow square balloons? Blow square breaths."

"Just said, ""Sorry, I have to go,"" out loud to my computer."

"First rule of Botox club: Nobody look surprised when someone new joins."

"FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It's scary down there."

"I'm glad you all tweeted mean stuff at me because I've changed my mind. On everything! Congrats! You did it!"