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Joke of the Day

"Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget!"

"A vegan, a priest, & a rabbi walk into a bar. The vegan pretty much just blabs on & on about how he's a vegan for the next hour. The end."

"I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you"

"Why did Susie fall of the swing set? Because she had no arms."

"If I have 10 pieces of bacon and you take half, what do you have? That's right, a black eye and my hatred."

"Me: I need to sleep Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss"

"If I'm ever in a coma, don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love."

"What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue? Jews."

"I wanna get HAMMERED tonight. Seriously? Yeah, drunk as hell, bro. Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*"

"*Runs across campus to get to class on time* Whew! I made it! *Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*"