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Joke of the Day

"I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, ""Yours or mine?"" I said, ""That's mine."""

"Teachers call it ""Going to the bathroom"". We call it ""I'm bored, I'm gonna go wander around school."""

"Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?"

"I will literally punch you in the throat the next time you misuse the word ""literally""."

"Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao [User was banned for this post]"

"Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice."

"My mum likes mixing drinks But I have no idea why she wanted me to put vodka in cider."

"I stepped on a corn flake Now I'm a cereal killer."

"What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic"

"When the cashier asks, ""Paper or plastic"", I say, ""Plastic"", then use the bag to suffocate a bird in the parking lot while staring him down."