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Joke of the Day

"How to kiss: 1-open your mouth 2-wider 3-wider 4-unhinge jaw 5-summon the Dark Overlord"

"I think my optometrist is falling in love with me... Every time I leave his office he hands me a sample of contact solution and says, ""Eye care for you"""

"*rubs magic lamp, genie appears* I wish for World peace. Genie: Can't do it. Million dollars? Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume."

"What do you tell two lesbians before they start a play? Break a leg! (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scissoring)"

"A Prostitute offered me holy water the other day... Still not sure what hole it came from."

"I guess it's not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation."

"It's so cold outside... I even saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!"

"What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails? Jesus"

"What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you? A pool table"

"There was a knock in my door ""Who's there?"" ""Police"" ""Get out, I didn't call police, I called whores"" ""Your neighbors called us"" ""Let them fuck you then"""