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Joke of the Day

"What's common between a lawyer and an eccentric billionaire with bad teeth? Both have a very expensive retainer."

"So I made a Guardians of the Galaxy themed soft drink. I call it Groot beer."

"Why don't old men like old women? Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?"

"FRIEND: get our wedding invitation? ME: i did, somebody hand wrote 'do not bring pan flute' F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that"

"Child protective services? Who's protecting the parents Huh? WHO'S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?"

"The court was very accommodating handing Jared a fifteen year sentence. He'll even be able to take his girlfriend out for her 21st birthday."

"Well I finally solved my drinking problem, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous Yeah I still drink, I just use a different name, that's all (Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield on The Johnny Carson Show)"

"I know you seen me continuously push the ""close doors"" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it's just awkward"

"What do you call a cat that has boils on its skin and can't feel it's toes? A leperd"

"Looking for a book club where you have to discuss the same one every week? Try organized religion!"