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Joke of the Day

"Wife: ""You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I'm leaving you."" Me: ""I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!"""

"3-year-old: *stares at the baby* What does it do? Me: Nothing yet. She's not here to entertain you. 3: Me: 3: Can we get one that is?"

"Top 3 invisible things: 1) 2) 3)"

"Whats George Zimmerman's favorite song? Blame it on the night"

"A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment. Bros before hoes."

"What's the difference between a million dollar car and a pile of dead babies? There's no million dollar car in my garage."

"Why do meth heads love Halloween? Three sleeps 'till Christmas!"

"You know what's odd? Every other number."

"What's the difference between a Mexican joke and a black joke? Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal"

"I was awakened last night by the bulimic lady in the apartment next door. I knocked on her door and said: ""Please keep it down!"""