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Joke of the Day

"The greatest trick the devil ever played was making you feel productive when you're really just fucking around."

"[types symptoms into WebMD] WebMD: Eww. Gross."

"Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't."

"Me: I'm worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break"

"My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper."

"Water leak. No water for 2 days. Then the plumber cut the cable line. No internet. No TV. 2 stinky teenagers. Send wine and bail money."

"how do we know that jews crucified Jesus? they used one nail for both legs"

"What do you call a tired tumblrina? A nap-kin."

"I don't like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station."

"So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra"