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Joke of the Day

"My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere."

"Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious"

"[Spider-Man shows up at my house] *I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*"

"How do mermaids have babies? Sea-sections"

"How do you get a blonde pregnant? Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest."

"""Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's a monster wearing a shit ton of makeup."" -Maybelline"

"White guys can't say the N word But they can say ""Won't happen again officer"" and ""Welcome home dad"""

"What did Bill Clinton find attractive about Monica Lewinsky? He said she had the prettiest smile he ever came across."

"Q. Why is gettig a blowjob from Joan Rivers like Going over Niagara Falls on a tightrope? A. They can both be life-enhancing experiences....unless you look down."

"Why are octopuses so dangerous? Because they TENTACLE."