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Joke of the Day

"I snort a lot of cocaine for a sober person."

"I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist She meant well, but she was just too annoying in bed. She was always saying, ""So, do you like it better like this.... or like this?"""

"Did you hear there was a nuclear explosion in space this morning?! Most people call it the sun. Note: My dad pulled this on me this morning. My friend hit me when I told them."

"[crime scene] *detective snaps pics of murder victim* Corpse: delete it"

"As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers.... I muttered under my breath, ""Fat fucking cows."" ""What was that?"" snapped my wife. ""You herd."""

"Two muffins are baking in the oven One muffin looks at the other and says, ""It's getting pretty hot in here"". The other muffin replies, ""HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN""!"

"It's not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can't see my naked body."

"Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella."

"One time I fell asleep on a pile of change. When I woke up, my face looked like Mount Rushmore. (This isn't so much a joke as just something that happened.)"

"I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade."