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Joke of the Day

"""So did you get lucky last night?"" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]"

"When Copernicus said the Earth goes around the sun I don't think he appreciated the gravity of the situation. Science. History. Punnery."

"What's a dogs favorite TV show? Bones."

"I can't let my girlfriend leave me I'd lose a hand"

"3 Big things happened to me today 1) My neighbor said he didn't like me 2) My neighbor got hit by a bus 3) I lost my bus drivers license"

"I tried making a belt that had a watch for a buckle ... it was a waist of time."

"Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us."

"An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines."

"""I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"" could also be titled ""I Wrongly Believed My Mother to Be a Cheating Whore"""

"Sir you haven't touched your custard. I'm just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline !"