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Joke of the Day

"""Just dashing to the shops"" Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes] Man [grabs car keys]"

"Sound is slower than light... That's why some people appear to be smart before they open their mouth"

"Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor."

"What do you call an Asian cow in space? The Milky Wei."

"As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. My engineering is perfect."

"Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over."

"Damn girl, are you a cigarette? Cuz I don't want you unless I'm drunk and one of my friends is already having you."

"A friend asked me if it was wrong for him to send messages to himself online in order to appear more popular on social media I said ""No, go on, tweet yourself."" Shamelessly stolen from Jimmy Carr."

"I watched a horror movie about pogo sticks. Too many jump scares."

"I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval."