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Joke of the Day

"Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh what a shame! And you've been engaged for such a long time!"

"HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, ""Such a shame this is all just gonna burn."""

"I can finish The Times' crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper"

"I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3. When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling."

"age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine* age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine* age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I ""slept funny"""

"The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way."

"Wife: you're drunk Me: no'm not Wife: I'M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE Wife: Me: ok lil bit"

"I went to a mock trial recently and I was really disappointed. I didn't get to mock anyone."

"How do you know the high heel was invented by men? Who else invents things?"

"The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes."