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Joke of the Day

"*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work* ""Big mac please"" ""Would u like LIES with that?!"" *my boss dragging me away* ""LIES, LUCY.. LIES!"""

"I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I'm fit but really it's just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs."

"There's always some truth behind: Just kidding, Knowledge behind: I don't know, Emotion behind: I don't care & Pain behind: It's okay."

"What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor."

"What's the mass of a large chunk of tree? 10g"

"I can't get out of bed These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust."

"What do you call a bat in a hurry? A racing club"

"I used to work as a waiter... ...the hours were terrible, but hey, it put food on the table."

"According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex's house."

"RIP to my good friend Brian... ...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies :("