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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a bad sharpshooter and a constipated owl? One shoots, but can't hit. The other hoots, but can't shit."

"At my funeral, I'd like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of"

"Whenever someone asks if I'm a robot I tell them no I'm androidgynous."

"My dad is a magician. He even has a trick that makes him turn invisible. He's been doing it for the last 32 years."

"What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in."

"""So how was your date?"" I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much ""That wasn't a good idea"" Yeah well, hindsight is 1"

"Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don't get lost."

"[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit"

"Boss: Why is there an olive in your water? Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water."

"*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*"