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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend was getting kinky in bed, and she said, ""Hurt me! Hurt me!"" So I got in my car and ran over her cat."

"10 years ago, if you would've told me that I'd be having a daughter at 28, I would've murdered you for being a robot from the future."

"[in hell] Me: *sneeze* The devil: bless you Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool the devil: DAMN YOU Me, floating back to hell: dang"

"TIFU by messing up my wife's Subway order. Whoops, wrong sub."

"Difference between an android and an iphone. *iphone falls to the floor* Breaks screen. *android falls to the floor* Breaks floor."

"Studying abroad: Spending months in another country. Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley."

"Push-up men's underwear. Taking complexes to a whole new level."

"My Boss thought that getting a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant. All it did was change the color of the baby."

"How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a very calm rabbit? The tame way."

"""Now is a good time to think about every mistake you've ever made."" - 3 am"