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Joke of the Day

"[Job Interview] HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness? Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath ""I can't forgive people"""

"WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said "" I hate shoes"""

"How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea Me: *rocks boat* Her: Hey! Me: *rocks faster* Her: Can we PLEASE go steady? Me: I do."

"Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday"

"My 'Sleep Number' is Grey Goose."

"""Annie are you ok?"" -yep ""Are you ok?"" -dude, I just said yes ""Are you ok Annie?"" -THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL"

"Paul Walker proves god is real ! Paul Walker was meant to walk, but he took a car and god punished him for not walking. This proves that - Atheist: 0 Theist: 1"

"What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail? Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world."

"Reality show idea: ""So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson's Nose."" Hidden camera. Tyson isn't in on it."

"I saw a blind person skydiving today Man, what a jerk. Scaring his poor dog like that..."