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Joke of the Day

"A Scottish man walks store... He asked for 15 litres of the best whiskey the clerk has. ""Did you bring a container for this?"" The clerk asks. ""You're speaking to it."""

"Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil."

"You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it. - My 4yo. Apparently."

"Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y? Because why emcee, eh?"

"Where do farm animals get their groceries? The pharmacy."

"What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter? The rogue one"

"Today I've been cancer free for 19 years.. And it's also my 19th birthday, what a coincidence!"

"There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion."

"Got caught again. Next time I'm stealin alcohol from the neighbor's, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song."

"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don't know y."