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Joke of the Day

"My friend's offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding. She's probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go :)"

"How do you tell an introvert and an extrovert mathematician apart? When talking to you, the extrovert mathematician looks at *your* shoes."

"Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath. Now hold it. Hold it... Hold it.... Hold it... Keep holding it... Die."

"Auto correct is my worst enema."

"What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!"

"What do you with a crazy girl knocking on your door? You don't let her out."

"Coworker: I couldn't sleep. Just thinking all night Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day"

"You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time.."

"Make sure to tip your waitress. It's pretty funny when they fall over."

"Floyd Mayweather was asked about remarks made by critics on last night's fight. He said ""I don't tend to read into things"""