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Joke of the Day

"I ran a whole 5K and didn't even eradicate cancer"

"[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking] ""YOU NEED TO LEAVE"" me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: ""I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS"""

"I don't want to alarm anyone but BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!"

"What do you call these cats? What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain."

"Why did the narcissist with multiple personalities and a propensity for domestic violence only have one black eye? Because she didn't need to re-beat himself."

"I've spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she's a woodpecker."

"My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better."

"Lesbians are like stray cats. There are more of them than you think."

"What's the difference between Hitler and a bowl of soup? A lot of things, can you really not tell the difference?"

"Can we just make serving unsalted french fries a federal offense?"