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Joke of the Day

"Two peanuts walk through an alleyway... One of them was assaulted."

"I can't cook with spices right now... ...I just don't have the thyme."

"""none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?"" I promise [later] *stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA"

"Spread me apart, lick, & enjoy my cream! ~Oreos, you pervs"

"Don't tell me you love weddings, you love open bars."

"I've been dating a homeless women recently, and i think its getting serious. She asked me to move out with her."

"To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke. My apologies for taking a break. It won't happen again!"

"I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green."

"Have you guys ever tried Somali food ? Neither have they"

"Did you hear about the guy who had five cocks? They say his pants fit like a glove."