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Joke of the Day

"[buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case"

"[first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware."

"Does an Eskimo ever think about drizzling their house with delicious flavored syrups and eating it?"

"What did the car say when it's front wheels were stolen? I don't want to go anywhere. I'm two tired."

"Why has Santa Claus such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year."

"Foreigners suck... They blatantly disregard the ""i before e except after c"" rule."

"What did the bishop say to the priest? It's my turn."

"One-liners for when you're leaving - example: ""I'm going to make like a baby, and head out."" I also use ""Let's make like a chapped-ass, and split."" What are some other good ones?"

"Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex? Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position!"

"[shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?"